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22 SEPTEMBER 2008 :: IBIZA!

17-09-08 0040h - Cartastrophie!
A momentary lapse in judgement is usually all it takes. Thankfully god wants me to be in Ibiza. Rather then pulling out onto the wrong side of a motorway, directly into the oncoming 80km/ph traffic, at the last second I looked the way I should have been looking all along and managed to stop with inches to spare. We've not even checked into a hotel yet and I've nearly killed us all. That'll be clean underwear all around when we get to the room then.

17-09-08 0417h - Armada closing party - Sitting down is the new going off
It used to be that you'd throw your hands in the air and sing along to express your gratitude at a big dance floor moment. Thousands of people inside Amnesia just worked out how to go one step further. Sitting down on masse in the middle of the dance floor, gazing up at the DJ with smiles beaming from ear to ear. I've never seen anything like it in my life, the impact of watching this unfold before your eyes really is a special moment in clubbing.

17-09-08 1435h - Proper British
"I really want an iced coffee but buggered if I can work out how to pronounce Ecid Kaffeee?"

"Luke, how long have you been living in Britain? It's about time you started acting British, mate. Make no effort to learn the language, hold up the menu, point to the picture and go mfmfh?!?!"

18-09-08 0244h - Seeing things from a different perspective
Everyone who has read my previous Ibiza emails will be familiar with my attitude to Pacha. However, there comes a time in life when you need to put your hand up and say, 'I might have got this all wrong'.

I'll admit, I was extremely apprehensive about going back, but when I got there something strange happened: I was having a good time inside Pacha. Believe me, I was as shocked as you are! Then it dawned on me, the problem isn't the club, it's the way you interact with the club. It's simply a matter of making sure you can be where you want to be. Having worked this out, all that was left was for me to answer life's most fundamental question:

What would Sean Avery do?

Protect the crease!

Thankfully at this time of year Pacha isn't quite wall to wall and floor to ceiling 6 inch gucci heels with matching clutch purses. There was room to move, at least a little. Having picked a spot to dance I put my new plan into action. When people felt the need to muscle in on my spot and try to move me along there was only one way to react, protect the crease.

'You think you want to be here? I've got 98kg of broad shoulders that say differently. No, I'm not budging, am I? Go on, try again, I feel like a laugh. It seems like I'm still here, doesn't it? Yes, maybe it would be best if you moved on and found another place to dance, leaving me in peace.'

So, like most of life's problems this one can be solved with hockey. *sigh* god how I miss my beloved hockey!

19-09-08 0457h - Santa says I'm naughty!
Like all good plans the key to this one was its simplicity. Three nights, three clubs: Amnesia, Pacha, Space. While the others fell by the wayside, I was determined to see the plan through to the bitter end, even if it meant flying solo in Space. I have to admit there was a moment of doubt as I drove towards the club on my own, I almost turned around and backed out. I can not tell you how happy I was that I stuck to the plan!

Notoriously eccentric uber DJ, Danny Taneglia, had transformed Space into a winter wonderland, complete with snow globes, elves, holly, christmas trees, reindeer and of course, Santa. All backed by a filthy/tribal/hypnotic/electro soundtrack. There was even a sack full of hand wrapped presents being given out to party goers. I was deemed naughty and left present-less. This left me with a very cheeky grin on my face as I stood in the middle of the Space terrace, alone yet surrounded by hundreds of friends and well wishers. Like they say, if you can't be good, be good at it. Three nights, three clubs, three sunrises before bedtime. I'm very good at it!

As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.
Zapp Brannigan